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Best Funny Inspirational Quotes About Life
Funny Inspirational Quotes About Love and Marriage
Funny Inspirational Quotes From Movies
Short Funny Quotes
Funny Inspirational Quotes For Students
1. "I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me." —Fred Allen
2. "If you find it hard to laugh at yourself, I would be happy to do it for you." —Groucho Marx 3. "History teaches us that men and nations behave wisely once they have exhausted all other alternatives." —Abba Eban 23 Freaking Awesome Gadgets You Didn’t Know You Needed (Until Today) 4. "I cannot speak well enough to be unintelligible." —Jane Austen, Northanger Abbey 5. "When one door closes, another opens. Or you can open the closed door. That's how doors work." —Unknown 6. "Have no fear of perfection—you'll never reach it." —Salvador Dalí 7. "Mail your packages early so the post office can lose them in time for Christmas." —Johnny Carson 8. "If everything seems to be going well, you have overlooked something." —Unknown 9. "A positive attitude may not solve all your problems, but it will annoy enough people to make it worth the effort." —Unknown 10. "Don't be so humble—you are not that great." —Golda Meir 11. "When people ask me stupid questions, it is my legal obligation to give a sarcastic remark." —Unknown 12. "You see, that is the sad, sorry, terrible thing about sarcasm. It's really funny." —Brandon Sanderson, Alcatraz Versus the Evil Librarians 13. "Sarcasm is the last refuge of the imaginatively bankrupt." —Cassandra Clare, City of Bones 14. "Sarcasm helps me overcome the harshness of the reality we live, eases the pain of scars and makes people smile." —Mahmoud Darwish 15. "It's all fun and games until someone doesn't pick up on the sarcasm." —Unknown 16. "It's wildly irritating to have invented something as revolutionary as sarcasm, only to have it abused by amateurs." —Christopher Moore, Lamb 17. "My level of sarcasm has gotten to a point where I don't even know if I am kidding anymore." —Unknown 18. "You never realize how truly sarcastic you are until you have a mini-me who acts the same way." —Unknown 19. "Sarcasm is the lowest form of wit! Yet it remains the funniest." —Unknown 20. "Sarcasm is the secret language that everyone uses when they want to say something mean to your face." —Unknown 21. "I'm allergic to stupidity. I break out in sarcasm." —Unknown 22. "Honey, tact is for people who aren't witty enough to be sarcastic." —Megan Mullally as Karen Walker on Will & Grace 23. "Sarcasm is not an attitude. It is an art." —Unknown 24. "Sarcasm and compassion are two of the qualities that make life on Earth tolerable." —Nick Hornby, Songbook 25. "Sarcasm: helping the intelligent tolerate the obtuse for thousands of years." —Unknown 26. "I'm not sarcastic. I'm just intelligent beyond your understanding." —Unknown 27. "There is a great need for a sarcasm font." —Darynda Jones, Third Grave Dead Ahead 28. "Sarcasm is the body's natural defense against stupidity." —Unknown 29. "If you think nobody cares that you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments." —Unknown 30. "Sometimes I feel so sick at the state of the world I can't even finish my second apple pie." —Banksy, Wall and Peace 31. "Just because I don't care doesn't mean I don't understand." —Homer Simpson 32. "When science finally locates the center of the universe, some people will be surprised to learn they're not it." —Bernard Bailey 33. "What's on your mind, if you will allow the overstatement." —Fred Allen 34. "Everyone has the right to be stupid, but you're abusing the privilege." —Unknown 35. "I sometimes think that God, in creating man, somewhat overestimated his ability." —Oscar Wilde 36. "October: This is one of the peculiarly dangerous months to speculate in stocks. The others are July, January, September, April, November, May, March, June, December, August and February." —Mark Twain, Pudd'nhead Wilson 37. "I'm sorry. I use my rapier wit to hide my inner pain." —Cassandra Clare 38. "If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. There's no point in being a damn fool about it." —W.C. Fields 39. "Please be patient. I am ruining things as fast as I can." —Unknown 40. "I hate it when I think I'm buying organic vegetables but when I get home, I discover they're just regular donuts." —Unknown 41. "People think I go out of my way to piss them off. Trust me, it's not out of my way at all." —Unknown 42. "Whatever you do, always give 100%. Unless you're donating blood." —Bill Murray 43. "Zombies eat brains. You are safe." —Jon Stewart 44. "Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go." —Oscar Wilde, The Duchess of Padua 45. "Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until they speak." —Steven Wright 46. "Sarcasm is such an unattractive quality in anyone but me." —Samantha Young, Smokeless Fire 47. "If you could kick the person in the pants responsible for most of your trouble, you wouldn't sit for a month." —Theodore Roosevelt 48. "He has van Gogh's ear for music." —Billy Wilder 49. "You know what I like about people? Their dogs." —Unknown 50. "Lead me not into temptation; I can find the way myself." —Rita Mae Brown 51. "I'll always cherish the original misconception I had of you." —Unknown 52. "I'm sorry I hurt your feelings when I called you stupid. I really thought you knew everything." —Unknown 53. "It's OK if you don't like me. Not everyone has good taste." —Unknown 54. "I'd agree with you, but then we'd both be wrong." —Russell Lynes 55. "Please cancel my subscription to your issues." —Unknown 56. "You're not a complete idiot. Some parts are missing." —Unknown 57. "I'm sorry, did the middle of my sentence interrupt the beginning of yours?" —Unknown 58. "My boss told me to start every presentation with a joke. The first slide was my paycheck." —Unknown 59. "The brain is a wonderful organ; it starts working the moment you get up in the morning and does not stop until you get into the office." —Robert Frost 60. "People think it must be fun to be a super genius, but they don't realize how hard it is to put up with all the idiots in the world." —Bill Watterson, The Calvin and Hobbes Tenth Anniversary Book 61. "Please submit your ideas to me today so I can submit them as my own tomorrow." —Unknown 62. "I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by." —Douglas Adams, The Salmon of Doubt 63. "Oh, you hate your job? Why didn't you say so? There's a support group for that. It's called everybody, and they meet at the bar." —Drew Carey 64. "There are times my greatest achievement is keeping my mouth shut." —Unknown 65. "People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day." —A.A. Milne, Winnie-the-Pooh 66. "I always tell new hires, 'Don't think of me as your boss. Think of me as a friend who can fire you.'" —Unknown 67. "I have not failed. I've just found 10,000 ways that won't work." —Thomas Edison 68. "I don't always tolerate stupid people. But when I do, I'm probably at work." —Unknown 69. "There's no secret about success. Did you ever know a successful man who didn't tell you about it?" —Kin Hubbard 70. "Don't mistake my efficiency as meaning I want to do your job too." —Unknown 71. "I have a theory of relatives too. Don't hire them." —Jack L. Warner 72. "I'd tell you to go to hell, but I work there, and I don't want you showing up." —Unknown 73. "I haven't even gone to bed yet, and I already can't wait to come home from work tomorrow." —Unknown 74. "When I was a boy of 14, my father was so ignorant I could hardly stand to have the old man around. But when I got to be 21, I was astonished at how much the old man had learned in seven years." —Mark Twain 75. "Insanity is hereditary; you get it from your children." —Sam Levenson 76. "Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city." —George Burns 77. "Obviously, if I was serious about having a relationship with someone long term, the last people I would introduce him to would be my family." —Chelsea Handler, Are You There, Vodka? It's Me, Chelsea 78. "The only time a woman really succeeds in changing a man is when he's a baby." —Natalie Wood 79. "Mother Nature is wonderful. She gives us 12 years to develop a love for our children before turning them into teenagers." —Eugene Bertin 80. "Having children makes you no more a parent than having a piano makes you a pianist." —Michael Levine 81. "Everybody knows how to raise children, except the people who have them." —P.J. O'Rourke 82. "In general, my children refuse to eat anything that hasn't danced on television." —Erma Bombeck 83. "Please excuse my father. It makes him feel young and powerful to treat us like idiot children." —Aidan Quinn as Alfred Ludlow in Legends of the Fall 84. "Keep rolling your eyes. You might just find a brain back there." —Unknown 85. "If you must make a noise, make it quietly." —Oliver Hardy 86. "In a household of toddlers and pets, we discover this rule of thumb about happy families: that they are at least two-thirds incontinent." —Robert Breault 87. "If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance." —George Bernard Shaw 88. "Folks, I don't trust children. They're here to replace us." —Stephen Colbert 89. "I am not young enough to know everything." —J.M. Barrie 90. "Common sense is the most widely shared commodity in the world, for every man is convinced that he is well supplied with it." —René Descartes 91. "I'd rather be partly great than entirely useless." —Neal Shusterman, Unwind 92. "Tact is the ability to tell someone to go to hell in such a way that they look forward to the journey." —Winston Churchill 93. "A crisis is a terrible thing to waste." —Paul Romer 94. "Always remember that you're unique. Just like everyone else." —Unknown 95. "Education is what remains after one has forgotten everything he learned in school." —Unknown 96. "Silence gets us nowhere. Sarcasm gets us there quicker." —Government Issue, "World Caved In" 97. "I am so clever that sometimes I don't understand a single word of what I am saying." —Oscar Wilde, The Happy Prince and Other Stories 98. "I feel so miserable without you; it's almost like having you here." —Stephen Bishop 99. "I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury." —Groucho Marx 100. "When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her." —Sacha Guitry 101. "Sometimes I need what only you can provide: your absence." —Ashleigh Brilliant 102. "They say marriages are made in heaven. But so is thunder and lightning." —Clint Eastwood 103. "I had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it." —Groucho Marx 104. "We get married to have an ally against our family." —Jonathan Tropper 105. "During labor, the pain is so great that a woman can almost imagine what a man feels like when he has a fever." —Unknown 106. "Marriage is a wonderful institution ... but who wants to live in an institution?" —Groucho Marx 107. "A man in love is incomplete until he has married. Then he's finished." —Zsa Zsa Gabor 108. "Marry me, and I'll never look at another horse!" —Groucho Marx 121 FUNNIEST QUOTES OF ALL TIME10-QUESTION GEORGIA TRIVIA TEST |
Funniest quotes of all time
Funny quotes about marriage 1. "My advice to you is get married: If you find a good wife you’ll be happy; if not, you’ll become a philosopher." —Socrates 2. "If you want to be sure that you never forget your wife’s birthday, just try forgetting it once." — Aldo Cammarota 3. "Before you marry a person, you should first make them use a computer with slow Internet service to see who they really are." —Will Ferrell 4. "Never criticize your spouse's faults; if it weren't for them, your mate might have found someone better than you." --Jay Trachman 5. "Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight." --Phyllis Diller 6. "Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and give her a house." —Rod Stewart 7. "Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes." —Jim Carrey Funny quotes about parenting 8. "Adults are always asking children what they want to be when they grow up because they're looking for ideas." —Paula Poundstone 9. "A perfect parent is a person with excellent child-rearing theories and no actual children." —Dave Barry 10. "Just be good and kind to your children. Not only are they the future of the world, but they're also the ones who can sign you into a home." —Dennis Miller 11. "When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them." --Rodney Dangerfield 12. "If you are not yelling at your kids, you are not spending enough time with them." —Reese Witherspoon 13. "When your mother asks, ‘Do you want a piece of advice?’ it is a mere formality. It doesn’t matter if you answer yes or no. You’re going to get it anyway."—Erma Bombeck 14. "Kids are expensive, I didn’t even realize how broke I was until last year someone stole my identity, and it ruined her life."—Kate Davis 15. "I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them." —Phyllis Diller Funny quotes about families 16. "It seems I have spent a lifetime of mouthing mechanically, 'Say thank you. Sit up straight. Use your napkin. Close your mouth when you chew. Don't lean back in your chair.' Just when I finally got my husband squared away, the kids came along." --Erma Bombeck 17. "There is no such thing as fun for the whole family." --Jerry Seinfeld 18. "There are two classes of travel—first class and with children."--Robert Benchley 19. "Happiness is having a large, caring, close-knit family in another city." --George Burns Funny quotes about dogs 20. "When your children are teenagers, it’s important to have a dog so that someone in the house is happy to see you." —Nora Ephron 21. "A dog teaches a boy fidelity, perseverance, and to turn around three times before lying down.” —Robert Benchley 22. "If dogs could talk, it would take a lot of fun out of owning one." --Andrew A. Rooney 23. "If you think dogs can't count, try putting three dog biscuits in your pocket and then giving Fido only two of them." --Phil Pastoret Funny quotes about cats 24. "The cat could very well be man’s best friend but would never stoop to admitting it." —Doug Larson 25. "Cats are smarter than dogs. You can’t get eight cats to pull a sled through snow." —Jeff Valdez 26. "In order to maintain a well-balanced perspective, the person who has a dog to worship him should also have a cat to ignore him." --Peterborough Examiner, Canada 27. "Thousands of years ago, cats were worshipped as gods. Cats have never forgotten this." --Anonymous Funny quotes about friends 28. "Friends are God’s way of apologizing to us for our families." --Anonymous 29. "The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they're okay, then it's you." --Rita Mae Brown 30. "The holy passion of friendship is of so sweet and steady and loyal and enduring a nature that it will last through a whole lifetime, if not asked to lend money." —Mark Twain Funny quotes about enemies 31. "Always forgive your enemies; nothing annoys them so much."--Oscar Wilde 32. "The Bible tells us to love our neighbors, and also to love our enemies; probably because they are generally the same people." —G.K. Chesterton 33. "If you can't beat them, arrange to have them beaten." --George Carlin Funny quotes about money 34. "If you want to know what God thinks of money, look at the people he gave it to." —Dorothy Parker 35. "Before borrowing money from a friend, decide which you need most." --Addison H. Hallock 36. "Never keep up with the Joneses. Drag them down to your level. It’s cheaper." --Quentin Crisp 37. "People say money is not the key to happiness, but I have always figured if you have enough money, you can have a key made."--Joan Rivers 38. "Anybody who tells you money can't buy happiness never had any." --Samuel L. Jackson 39. "Misers are no fun to live with, but they make great ancestors." --Tom Snyder Funny quotes about work 40. "Anyone can do any amount of work, provided it isn’t the work he is supposed to be doing at that moment." --Robert Benchley 41. "I like work; it fascinates me. I can sit and look at it for hours." —Jerome K. Jerome 42. "Doing nothing is very hard to do. You never know when you're finished." --Leslie Nielsen 43. "Hard work never killed anybody, but why take a chance?" --Edgar Bergen 44. "Don’t go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes you nothing. It was here first." —Mark Twain 45. "All I've ever wanted was an honest week's pay for an honest day's work." —Steve Martin, in the film Sgt. Bilko. Funny quotes about education 46. "A college education is one of the few things a person is willing to pay for and not get." --William Lowe Bryan 47. "In real life, I assure you, there is no such thing as algebra." —Fran Lebowitz 48. "True terror is to wake up one morning and discover that your high school class is running the country." --Kurt Vonnegut Funny quotes about aging 49. "The secret of staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly, and lie about your age."—Lucille Ball 50. "You are only young once. After that you have to think up some other excuse." --Billy Arthur 51. "By the time you're 80 years old you've learned everything. You only have to remember it." --George Burns Funny quotes about gossip 52. "You can't believe everything you hear—but you can repeat it." —Anonymous 53. "A gossip is a person who creates the smoke in which other people assume there's fire." --Dan Bennett 54. "The only thing worse than being talked about is not being talked about." —Oscar Wilde Funny quotes about advice and criticism 55. "If you can't be kind, at least be vague." --Judith Martin 56. "It's so much easier to suggest solutions when you don't know too much about the problem." --Malcolm Forbes 57. "Any fool can criticize, condemn and complain—and most do." --Dale Carnegie Funny quotes about emotions 58. "People can’t drive you crazy if you don't give them the keys." --Mike Bechtle 59. "Sometimes you lie in bed at night, and you don't have a single thing to worry about. That always worries me!" —Charlie Brown 60. "Keep your temper. Nobody else wants it." -- Funny quotes about food 61. "If God did not intend for us to eat animals, then why did he make them out of meat?" --John Cleese 62. "Never eat more than you can lift." --Miss Piggy 63. "When the waitress asked if I wanted my pizza cut into four or eight slices, I said, 'Four. I don’t think I can eat eight.'"--Yogi Berra Funny quotes about drink 64. "Not all chemicals are bad. Without hydrogen and oxygen, for example, there would be no way to make water, a vital ingredient in beer." —Dave Barry 65. "I always cook with wine. Sometimes I even add it to the food." --W.C. Fields 66. "Always do sober what you said you’d do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut." --Ernest Hemingway Funny quotes about health 67. "All the things I like to do are either immoral, illegal, or fattening." —Alexander Woollcott 68. "Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing." —Redd Fox 69. “Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.” —Mark Twain Funny quotes about politics 70. “It is useless to try to hold a person to anything he says while he's madly in love, drunk, or running for office.” —B. Birdsong 71. "The only time some fellows are ever seen with their wives is after they've been indicted." --Kin Hubbard 72. “If our Founding Fathers wanted us to care about the rest of the world, they wouldn’t have declared their independence from it.” —Stephen Colbert Funny quotes about success 73. "If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. There's no use being a damn fool about it." --W.C. Fields 74. "It is not enough to succeed. Others must fail." --Gore Vidal 75. "Thankfully, perseverance is a great substitute for talent." --Steve Martin Funny quotes about happiness 76. "Some cause happiness wherever they go; others whenever they go." --Anonymous 77. "Whoever said money can’t buy happiness simply didn’t know where to go shopping." --Bo Derek 78. "One of the keys to happiness is a bad memory." --Rita Mae Brown Funny quotes about bores 79. “A bore is the kind of man who, when you ask him how he is, he tells you.” —Channing Pollock 80. “She never lets ideas interrupt the easy flow of her conversation.” —Jean Webster 81. “He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any man I know.” —Abraham Lincoln 82. "By the time someone says, 'To make a long story short,' it's too late." --Don Herold Funny quotes about egotists 83. "There but for the grace of God, goes God." —Anonymous, commenting on the film director Orson Welles 84. "He is a self-made man and worships his creator." —Henry Clapp 85. "The nice thing about egotists is that they don't talk about other people." --Lucille S. Harper 86. "People who think they know everything are a great annoyance to those of us who do." —Isaac Asimov Funny quotes about optimism and pessimism 87. "An optimist is someone who falls off the Empire State Building, and after 50 floors says, 'So far so good!'" —Anonymous 88. "The nice part about being a pessimist is that you are constantly being either proven right or pleasantly surprised." —George Will 89. "The optimist proclaims that we live in the best of all possible worlds; and the pessimist fears this is true." --James Branch Cabell Funny quotes about intelligence 90. "I’m not offended by blonde jokes because I know I’m not dumb…and I also know that I’m not blonde." —Dolly Parton 91. "We use 10% of our brains. Imagine how much we could accomplish if we used the other 60%." --Ellen DeGeneres 92. "My definition of an intellectual is someone who can listen to the William Tell Overture without thinking of the Lone Ranger." —Billy Connolly 93. "When it doubt, look intelligent.” —Garrison Keillor Funny quotes about stupidity 94. “Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I’m not sure about the universe.” --Albert Einstein 95. "Think of how stupid the average person is and realize half of them are stupider than that." --George Carlin 96. "User: the word computer professionals use when they mean 'idiot.'" --Dave Barry 97. "If stupidity got us into this mess, then why can’t it get us out?" --Will Rogers Funny quotes about death 98. "According to most studies, people's number one fear is public speaking. Number two is death. Death is number two. Does that seem right? That means to the average person, if you have to go to a funeral, you’re better off in the casket than doing the eulogy." —Jerry Seinfeld 99. "I don’t believe in reincarnation, and I didn’t believe in it when I was a hamster." —Shane Richie 100. "Always go to other people’s funerals; otherwise, they won’t come to yours." —Yogi Berra 
My husband says I'm too competitive. I told him I already knew that.
The other day, my wife asked me to pass her lipstick, but I accidentally passed her a glue stick. She still isn’t talking to me. My husband is mad that I have no sense of direction. So, I packed up my stuff and right.
“Today I was in a shoe store that sells only shoes, nothing else. A young girl with a tattoo and green hair walked over to me and asked, "What brings you in today, I looked at her and said, "I'm interested in buying a refrigerator." She didn't quite know how to respond, had that deer in the headlights look.
I was thinking about old age and decided that old age is when you still have something on the ball, but you are just too tired to bounce it. When people see a cat's litter box they always say, "Oh, have you got a cat" I just say, "No, it's for company!" Employment application blanks always ask who is to be called in case of an emergency. I think you should write, "An ambulance." The older you get the tougher it is to lose weight because by then your body and your fat have gotten to be really good friends. The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement. Have you ever noticed: The Roman Numerals for forty (40) are XL. The sole purpose of a child's middle name is so he knows when he's really in trouble. Did you ever notice that when you put the 2 words "The" and "IRS" together it spells "Theirs" Aging: Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it. Some people try to turn back their "odometers." Not me. I want people to know why I look this way. I've traveled a long way and a lot of the roads were not paved. Ah! Being young is beautiful but being old is comfortable. Lord, keep your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth. May you always have: Love to share, Cash to spare, Tires with air, And friends who care.” |
You Deserve a Break |
You Deserve a Break |
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Frane Selak is without a doubt the unluckiest man to ever live as he survived numerous accidents that are just simply mind-boggling. He was very lucky to survive any one of these encounters that left others dead. It turns out he truly was a very lucky man. I wonder if he was ever able to obtain a life insurance policy?
Smile A While
Suffering from a bad case of the flu, the outraged patient bellowed, "Three weeks? The doctor can't see me for three weeks? I could well be dead by then!" Calmly the voice at the other end of the line replied, "If so, would you please have your wife call to cancel the appointment?" A clear conscience is the sign of a bad memory. Where there's a will, I want to be in it. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad. "Do you know the present value of your husband's policy?" the life insurance agent asked his client. "What do you mean?" countered the woman. "If you should lose your husband, what would you get?" asked the agent. The woman thought for a minute, then brightened up and said, "Probably a poodle." A retired insurance agent, now in his mid-70's and about to receive anesthesia, is on the operating table awaiting surgery. He insisted that his son, a renowned surgeon, should perform the operation. The old man signaled to speak to his son. "Yes, Dad, what is it?" asked the son. "Don't be jittery son, perform your best, and never forget that if it fails, if something should happen to me, your mother will live with you and your wife the rest of her days." War does not determine who is right - only who is left. A life insurance agent was completing an application and got to the part on health history. He asked his client how his grandfather died. This was his client's startling answer: "I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather...Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car." My dinner party was headed for disaster. One man, an insurance salesman, was monopolizing the conversation with a lengthy account of recent litigation involving himself. Since two other guests were lawyers, I was becoming increasingly uneasy. "In the end," the salesman concluded, "you know who got all the money?" I cringed when he shouted, "The lawyers!" There was embarrassing silence at the table. My heart was pounding until the wife of one lawyer said, "Oh, I do love a story with a happy ending!" The applicant for life insurance was finding it difficult to fill out the application. The salesman asked what the trouble was, and the man said that he couldn't answer the question about the cause of death of his father. The salesman wanted to know why. After some embarrassment, the client explained that his father had been hanged. The salesman pondered for a moment. "Just write: 'Father was taking part in a public function when the platform gave way,'" the salesman said. Confucius says... "Needing insurance is like needing a parachute. If it isn't there the first time, chances are you won't be needing it again." Smile A While
1. Did you hear they arrested the devil? Yeah, they got him on possession.
2. What did one DNA say to the other DNA? “Do these genes make me look fat?” 3. My IQ test results came back. They were negative. 4. What do you get when you cross a polar bear with a seal? A polar bear. 5. Why can't you trust an atom? Because they make up literally everything. 6. Why was six afraid of seven? Because seven eight nine. 7. What do you call a hippie’s wife? Mississippi. 8. What's the difference between an outlaw and an in-law? Outlaws are wanted. 9. Scientists have recently discovered a food that greatly reduces sex drive. It's called wedding cake. 10. Before you marry a person, you should first make them use a computer with a slow Internet connection to see who they really are. 11. I never knew what happiness was until I got married—and then it was too late. 12. Some men say they don't wear their wedding band because it cuts off circulation. Well, that's the point, isn't it? 13. Advice to husbands: Try praising your wife now and then, even if it does startle her at first. 14. Did you hear about the shepherd who drove his sheep through town? He was given a ticket for making a ewe turn. 15. What happens to an illegally parked frog? It gets toad away. 16. How does the man in the moon get his hair cut? Eclipse it. 17. What do you call a blonde with half a brain? Gifted. 18. Why are so many blonde jokes one-liners? So brunettes can remember them. 19. Our child has a great deal of willpower—and even more won't power. 20. Among the things that are so simple even a child can operate them are parents. 21. Why aren't dogs good dancers? Because they have two left feet. 22. What's a dog's favorite homework assignment? A lab report. 23. Why did Beethoven get rid of his chickens? All they said was, “Bach, Bach, Bach ...” 24. Of course I wouldn't say anything about her unless I could say something good. And, oh boy, is this good ... 25. When he talks, it isn't a conversation. It's a filibuster. 26. She leaves me with the feeling that when we bury the hatchet she'll mark the exact spot. 27. You can't believe everything you hear—but you can repeat it. 28. There's a lot to be said in his favor, but it's not nearly as interesting. 29. They've been treating me like one of the family, and I've put up with it for as long as I can. 30. Why did the parents not like their son's biology teacher? He had skeletons in his closet. 31. Their first daughter was born with a silver spoon in her mouth. Now they're hoping for triplets so they can have a whole set. 32. I spent a lot of time, money and effort childproofing my house … but the kids still get in. 33. Small son sitting on Daddy's lap: "I'm still confused. Was I born in a nest or a hive?" 34. A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother. 35. My mother was so surprised when I told her I was born again. She said she didn't feel a thing! 36. What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear. 37. What did one cannibal say to the other while they were eating a clown? "Does this taste funny to you?" 38. What do you call a mobster who's buried in cement? A hardened criminal. 39. What do fish say when they hit a concrete wall? Dam! 40. What do you need in order to make a small fortune on Wall Street? A large fortune. 41. One of the oddities of Wall Street is that the dealer, not the customer, is the broker. 42. A rich man is one who isn't afraid to ask the clerk to show him something cheaper. 43. If you take $2 out of an ATM that has a $2.50 fee, do you owe the machine money? 44. Knock, knock. Who's there? Nobel. Nobel who? Nobel, so I knock knocked. 45. Knock, knock. Who's there? Alabama. Anybody with you? Nope. I'm Alabama self. 46. Knock, knock. Who's there? Ayatollah. Ayatollah who? Ayatollah you already. 47. Knock, knock. Who's there? Control freak. Now you say, "Control freak who?" 48. The reason some politicians like to stand on their record is to keep voters from examining it. 49. The insomnia patient was such a fervent vegetarian that he counted carrots jumping over a fence. 50. My father is allergic to cotton. He has pills he can take, but he can’t get them out of the bottle. 51. You'll always stay young if you live honestly, eat slowly, sleep sufficiently, work industriously, worship faithfully and lie about your age. 52. How can you tell you're getting old? When you go to an antique auction and three people bid on you. 53. the nurse who was chewed out by the doctor because she was absent without gauze? 54. the crustacean accused of promoting his own shellfish interests? 55. the cat who ate a ball of yarn? She had mittens. 56. the kid who started a business tying shoelaces on the playground? It was a knot-for-profit. 57. the claustrophobic astronaut? He just wanted a little more space. 58. the racing snail that got rid of his shell? He thought it would make him faster, but it just made him sluggish. 59. the salamander who went to Hollywood to make newt movies? 60. the New York Jets cocktail? Drink two of them and you'll forget what your Namath. 61. the cow that ate bluegrass and mooed indigo? 62. the veterinarian who prescribes birth-control pills for dogs? It's part of an anti-litter campaign. 63. If athletes get athlete's foot, what do astronauts get? Missile toe. 64. How many telemarketers does it take to change a light bulb? Only one, but he has to do it while you are eating dinner. 65. How many egomaniacs does it take to screw in a light bulb? One. The egomaniac holds the light bulb while the world revolves around him. 66. How many paranoid people does it take to change a light bulb? Who wants to know? 67. How many DIY buffs does it take to change a light bulb? One, but it takes two weeks and four trips to the hardware store. 68. If an anonymous comment goes unread, is it still irritating? 69. What is the sound of no-hands texting? 70. To see a man's true face, look to the photos he hasn't posted. 71. "Buffet" is a French word that means "get up and get it yourself." 72. Winter: the season when we try to keep the house as hot as it was in the summer, when we complained about the heat. 73. Conscience: the small voice that makes you feel smaller. 74. Statistician: a person who draws a mathematically precise line from an unwarranted assumption to a foregone conclusion. 75. Did you hear about the statistician who drowned while crossing a river? It was three feet deep on average. 76. The trouble with getting to work on time is that it makes the day so long. 77. Interviewer to job applicant: "Can you come up with any reason you want this job other than your parents want you out of the house?" 78. Give a man a fish, and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day. 79. Why don’t pirates take a shower before they walk the plank? They just wash up on shore. 80. How much did Santa pay for his sleigh? Nothing, it was on the house. 81. What do you call Santa’s helpers? Subordinate Clauses. 82. What's Irish and stays out all night? Patty O'Furniture. 83. What do you call a steak that's been knighted by the queen? Sir Loin. 84. Why didn't Han Solo enjoy his steak dinner? It was Chewie. 85. A new study shows that one-third of people don't floss, while the other two-thirds couldn't answer with all the local anesthetic in their mouths. 86. If you arrest a mime, do you have to tell him he has the right to remain silent? 87. What do you call a chicken who crosses the road, rolls in the mud and then crosses back again? A dirty double-crosser. |
Those wonderful Church Bulletins!
88. Why did the chicken go to the séance? To get to the other side.
89. Why did the rooster cross the road? To prove he wasn't a chicken. 90. I used to believe that all things must pass—until I got stuck behind a school bus. 91. I was addicted to the hokey pokey, but then I turned myself around. 92. A new wine has been made for cats. It won't be long before they start sending regrettable texts and waking up with headaches. 93. Why don’t cats play poker in the jungle? Too many cheetahs. 94. At which school did Sherlock Holmes get so smart? Elementary. 95. Two men walk into a bar. You'd think at least one of them would have ducked. 96. The morning after, Dave wanted some hair of the dog that bit him. He's at the hospital getting checked for rabies now. 97. What do you call a guy who’s had too much to drink? A cab. 98. Where does a winemaker get his gossip? Through the grapevine. 99. What do you call a parade of rabbits hopping backward? A receding hare line. 100. Why did the teddy bear say no to dessert? Because he was stuffed. 101. I went to buy some camo pants, but I couldn’t find any. |
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