Funniest quotes of all time
Funny quotes about marriage
1. "My advice to you is get married: If you find a good wife you’ll be happy; if not, you’ll become a philosopher." —Socrates
2. "If you want to be sure that you never forget your wife’s birthday, just try forgetting it once." — Aldo Cammarota
3. "Before you marry a person, you should first make them use a computer with slow Internet service to see who they really are." —Will Ferrell
4. "Never criticize your spouse's faults; if it weren't for them, your mate might have found someone better than you." --Jay Trachman
5. "Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight." --Phyllis Diller
6. "Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and give her a house." —Rod Stewart
7. "Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes." —Jim Carrey

Funny quotes about parenting
8. "Adults are always asking children what they want to be when they grow up because they're looking for ideas." —Paula Poundstone
9. "A perfect parent is a person with excellent child-rearing theories and no actual children." —Dave Barry
10. "Just be good and kind to your children. Not only are they the future of the world, but they're also the ones who can sign you into a home." —Dennis Miller
11. "When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them." --Rodney Dangerfield
12. "If you are not yelling at your kids, you are not spending enough time with them." —Reese Witherspoon
13. "When your mother asks, ‘Do you want a piece of advice?’ it is a mere formality. It doesn’t matter if you answer yes or no. You’re going to get it anyway."—Erma Bombeck
14. "Kids are expensive, I didn’t even realize how broke I was until last year someone stole my identity, and it ruined her life."—Kate Davis
15. "I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them." —Phyllis Diller

Funny quotes about families
16. "It seems I have spent a lifetime of mouthing mechanically, 'Say thank you. Sit up straight. Use your napkin. Close your mouth when you chew. Don't lean back in your chair.' Just when I finally got my husband squared away, the kids came along." --Erma Bombeck
17. "There is no such thing as fun for the whole family." --Jerry Seinfeld
18. "There are two classes of travel—first class and with children."--Robert Benchley
19. "Happiness is having a large, caring, close-knit family in another city." --George Burns

Funny quotes about dogs
20. "When your children are teenagers, it’s important to have a dog so that someone in the house is happy to see you." —Nora Ephron
21. "A dog teaches a boy fidelity, perseverance, and to turn around three times before lying down.” —Robert Benchley
22. "If dogs could talk, it would take a lot of fun out of owning one." --Andrew A. Rooney
23. "If you think dogs can't count, try putting three dog biscuits in your pocket and then giving Fido only two of them." --Phil Pastoret

Funny quotes about cats
24. "The cat could very well be man’s best friend but would never stoop to admitting it." —Doug Larson
25. "Cats are smarter than dogs. You can’t get eight cats to pull a sled through snow." —Jeff Valdez
26. "In order to maintain a well-balanced perspective, the person who has a dog to worship him should also have a cat to ignore him." --Peterborough Examiner, Canada
27. "Thousands of years ago, cats were worshipped as gods. Cats have never forgotten this." --Anonymous

Funny quotes about friends
28. "Friends are God’s way of apologizing to us for our families." --Anonymous
29. "The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they're okay, then it's you." --Rita Mae Brown
30. "The holy passion of friendship is of so sweet and steady and loyal and enduring a nature that it will last through a whole lifetime, if not asked to lend money." —Mark Twain

Funny quotes about enemies
31. "Always forgive your enemies; nothing annoys them so much."--Oscar Wilde
32. "The Bible tells us to love our neighbors, and also to love our enemies; probably because they are generally the same people." —G.K. Chesterton
33. "If you can't beat them, arrange to have them beaten." --George Carlin

Funny quotes about money
34. "If you want to know what God thinks of money, look at the people he gave it to." —Dorothy Parker
35. "Before borrowing money from a friend, decide which you need most." --Addison H. Hallock
36. "Never keep up with the Joneses. Drag them down to your level. It’s cheaper." --Quentin Crisp
37. "People say money is not the key to happiness, but I have always figured if you have enough money, you can have a key made."--Joan Rivers
38. "Anybody who tells you money can't buy happiness never had any." --Samuel L. Jackson
39. "Misers are no fun to live with, but they make great ancestors." --Tom Snyder

Funny quotes about work
40. "Anyone can do any amount of work, provided it isn’t the work he is supposed to be doing at that moment." --Robert Benchley
41. "I like work; it fascinates me. I can sit and look at it for hours." —Jerome K. Jerome
42. "Doing nothing is very hard to do. You never know when you're finished." --Leslie Nielsen
43. "Hard work never killed anybody, but why take a chance?" --Edgar Bergen
44. "Don’t go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes you nothing. It was here first." —Mark Twain
45. "All I've ever wanted was an honest week's pay for an honest day's work." —Steve Martin, in the film Sgt. Bilko.

Funny quotes about education
46. "A college education is one of the few things a person is willing to pay for and not get." --William Lowe Bryan
47. "In real life, I assure you, there is no such thing as algebra." —Fran Lebowitz
48. "True terror is to wake up one morning and discover that your high school class is running the country." --Kurt Vonnegut

Funny quotes about aging
49. "The secret of staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly, and lie about your age."—Lucille Ball
50. "You are only young once. After that you have to think up some other excuse." --Billy Arthur
51. "By the time you're 80 years old you've learned everything. You only have to remember it." --George Burns

Funny quotes about gossip
52. "You can't believe everything you hear—but you can repeat it." —Anonymous
53. "A gossip is a person who creates the smoke in which other people assume there's fire." --Dan Bennett
54. "The only thing worse than being talked about is not being talked about." —Oscar Wilde

Funny quotes about advice and criticism
55. "If you can't be kind, at least be vague." --Judith Martin
56. "It's so much easier to suggest solutions when you don't know too much about the problem." --Malcolm Forbes
57. "Any fool can criticize, condemn and complain—and most do." --Dale Carnegie

Funny quotes about emotions
58. "People can’t drive you crazy if you don't give them the keys." --Mike Bechtle
59. "Sometimes you lie in bed at night, and you don't have a single thing to worry about. That always worries me!" —Charlie Brown
60. "Keep your temper. Nobody else wants it." --

Funny quotes about food
61. "If God did not intend for us to eat animals, then why did he make them out of meat?" --John Cleese
62. "Never eat more than you can lift." --Miss Piggy
63. "When the waitress asked if I wanted my pizza cut into four or eight slices, I said, 'Four. I don’t think I can eat eight.'"--Yogi Berra

Funny quotes about drink
64. "Not all chemicals are bad. Without hydrogen and oxygen, for example, there would be no way to make water, a vital ingredient in beer." —Dave Barry
65. "I always cook with wine. Sometimes I even add it to the food." --W.C. Fields
66. "Always do sober what you said you’d do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut." --Ernest Hemingway

Funny quotes about health
67. "All the things I like to do are either immoral, illegal, or fattening." —Alexander Woollcott
68. "Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing."
—Redd Fox
69. “Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.” —Mark Twain

Funny quotes about politics
70. “It is useless to try to hold a person to anything he says while he's madly in love, drunk, or running for office.” —B. Birdsong
71. "The only time some fellows are ever seen with their wives is after they've been indicted." --Kin Hubbard
72. “If our Founding Fathers wanted us to care about the rest of the world, they wouldn’t have declared their independence from it.” —Stephen Colbert

Funny quotes about success
73. "If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. There's no use being a damn fool about it." --W.C. Fields
74. "It is not enough to succeed. Others must fail." --Gore Vidal
75. "Thankfully, perseverance is a great substitute for talent." --Steve Martin

Funny quotes about happiness
76. "Some cause happiness wherever they go; others whenever they go." --Anonymous
77. "Whoever said money can’t buy happiness simply didn’t know where to go shopping." --Bo Derek
78. "One of the keys to happiness is a bad memory." --Rita Mae Brown

Funny quotes about bores
79. “A bore is the kind of man who, when you ask him how he is, he tells you.” —Channing Pollock
80. “She never lets ideas interrupt the easy flow of her conversation.” —Jean Webster
81. “He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any man I know.”  —Abraham Lincoln
82. "By the time someone says, 'To make a long story short,' it's too late." --Don Herold

Funny quotes about egotists
83. "There but for the grace of God, goes God." —Anonymous, commenting on the film director Orson Welles
84. "He is a self-made man and worships his creator." —Henry Clapp
85. "The nice thing about egotists is that they don't talk about other people." --Lucille S. Harper
86. "People who think they know everything are a great annoyance to those of us who do." —Isaac Asimov

Funny quotes about optimism and pessimism
87. "An optimist is someone who falls off the Empire State Building, and after 50 floors says, 'So far so good!'" —Anonymous
88. "The nice part about being a pessimist is that you are constantly being either proven right or pleasantly surprised." —George Will
89. "The optimist proclaims that we live in the best of all possible worlds; and the pessimist fears this is true." --James Branch Cabell

Funny quotes about intelligence
90. "I’m not offended by blonde jokes because I know I’m not dumb…and I also know that I’m not blonde." —Dolly Parton
91. "We use 10% of our brains. Imagine how much we could accomplish if we used the other 60%." --Ellen DeGeneres
92. "My definition of an intellectual is someone who can listen to the William Tell Overture without thinking of the Lone Ranger." —Billy Connolly
93. "When it doubt, look intelligent.” —Garrison Keillor
Funny quotes about stupidity
94. “Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I’m not sure about the universe.” --Albert Einstein
95. "Think of how stupid the average person is and realize half of them are stupider than that." --George Carlin
96. "User: the word computer professionals use when they mean 'idiot.'" --Dave Barry
97. "If stupidity got us into this mess, then why can’t it get us out?" --Will Rogers

Funny quotes about death
98. "According to most studies, people's number one fear is public speaking. Number two is death. Death is number two. Does that seem right? That means to the average person, if you have to go to a funeral, you’re better off in the casket than doing the eulogy." —Jerry Seinfeld
99. "I don’t believe in reincarnation, and I didn’t believe in it when I was a hamster." —Shane Richie
100. "Always go to other people’s funerals; otherwise, they won’t come to yours." —Yogi Berra

1. "I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me." —Fred Allen
2. "If you find it hard to laugh at yourself, I would be happy to do it for you." —Groucho Marx
3. "History teaches us that men and nations behave wisely once they have exhausted all other alternatives." —Abba Eban
23 Freaking Awesome Gadgets You Didn’t Know You Needed (Until Today)
4. "I cannot speak well enough to be unintelligible." —Jane Austen, Northanger Abbey
5. "When one door closes, another opens. Or you can open the closed door. That's how doors work." —Unknown
6. "Have no fear of perfection—you'll never reach it." —Salvador Dalí
7. "Mail your packages early so the post office can lose them in time for Christmas." —Johnny Carson
8. "If everything seems to be going well, you have overlooked something." —Unknown
9. "A positive attitude may not solve all your problems, but it will annoy enough people to make it worth the effort." —Unknown
10. "Don't be so humble—you are not that great." —Golda Meir
11. "When people ask me stupid questions, it is my legal obligation to give a sarcastic remark." —Unknown
12. "You see, that is the sad, sorry, terrible thing about sarcasm. It's really funny." —Brandon Sanderson, Alcatraz Versus the Evil Librarians
13. "Sarcasm is the last refuge of the imaginatively bankrupt." —Cassandra Clare, City of Bones
14. "Sarcasm helps me overcome the harshness of the reality we live, eases the pain of scars and makes people smile." —Mahmoud Darwish
15. "It's all fun and games until someone doesn't pick up on the sarcasm." —Unknown
16. "It's wildly irritating to have invented something as revolutionary as sarcasm, only to have it abused by amateurs." —Christopher Moore, Lamb
17. "My level of sarcasm has gotten to a point where I don't even know if I am kidding anymore." —Unknown
18. "You never realize how truly sarcastic you are until you have a mini-me who acts the same way." —Unknown
19. "Sarcasm is the lowest form of wit! Yet it remains the funniest." —Unknown
20. "Sarcasm is the secret language that everyone uses when they want to say something mean to your face." —Unknown
21. "I'm allergic to stupidity. I break out in sarcasm." —Unknown
22. "Honey, tact is for people who aren't witty enough to be sarcastic." —Megan Mullally as Karen Walker on Will & Grace
23. "Sarcasm is not an attitude. It is an art." —Unknown
24. "Sarcasm and compassion are two of the qualities that make life on Earth tolerable." —Nick Hornby, Songbook
25. "Sarcasm: helping the intelligent tolerate the obtuse for thousands of years." —Unknown
26. "I'm not sarcastic. I'm just intelligent beyond your understanding." —Unknown
27. "There is a great need for a sarcasm font." —Darynda Jones, Third Grave Dead Ahead
28. "Sarcasm is the body's natural defense against stupidity." —Unknown
29. "If you think nobody cares that you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments." —Unknown
30. "Sometimes I feel so sick at the state of the world I can't even finish my second apple pie." —Banksy, Wall and Peace
31. "Just because I don't care doesn't mean I don't understand." —Homer Simpson
32. "When science finally locates the center of the universe, some people will be surprised to learn they're not it." —Bernard Bailey
33. "What's on your mind, if you will allow the overstatement." —Fred Allen
34. "Everyone has the right to be stupid, but you're abusing the privilege." —Unknown
35. "I sometimes think that God, in creating man, somewhat overestimated his ability." —Oscar Wilde
36. "October: This is one of the peculiarly dangerous months to speculate in stocks. The others are July, January, September, April, November, May, March, June, December, August and February." —Mark Twain, Pudd'nhead Wilson
37. "I'm sorry. I use my rapier wit to hide my inner pain." —Cassandra Clare
38. "If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. There's no point in being a damn fool about it." —W.C. Fields
39. "Please be patient. I am ruining things as fast as I can." —Unknown
40. "I hate it when I think I'm buying organic vegetables but when I get home, I discover they're just regular donuts." —Unknown
41. "People think I go out of my way to piss them off. Trust me, it's not out of my way at all." —Unknown
42. "Whatever you do, always give 100%. Unless you're donating blood." —Bill Murray
43. "Zombies eat brains. You are safe." —Jon Stewart
44. "Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go." —Oscar Wilde, The Duchess of Padua
45. "Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until they speak." —Steven Wright
46. "Sarcasm is such an unattractive quality in anyone but me." —Samantha Young, Smokeless Fire
47. "If you could kick the person in the pants responsible for most of your trouble, you wouldn't sit for a month." —Theodore Roosevelt
48. "He has van Gogh's ear for music." —Billy Wilder
49. "You know what I like about people? Their dogs." —Unknown
50. "Lead me not into temptation; I can find the way myself." —Rita Mae Brown
51. "I'll always cherish the original misconception I had of you." —Unknown
52. "I'm sorry I hurt your feelings when I called you stupid. I really thought you knew everything." —Unknown
53. "It's OK if you don't like me. Not everyone has good taste." —Unknown
54. "I'd agree with you, but then we'd both be wrong." —Russell Lynes
55. "Please cancel my subscription to your issues." —Unknown
56. "You're not a complete idiot. Some parts are missing." —Unknown
57. "I'm sorry, did the middle of my sentence interrupt the beginning of yours?" —Unknown
58. "My boss told me to start every presentation with a joke. The first slide was my paycheck." —Unknown
59. "The brain is a wonderful organ; it starts working the moment you get up in the morning and does not stop until you get into the office." —Robert Frost
60. "People think it must be fun to be a super genius, but they don't realize how hard it is to put up with all the idiots in the world." —Bill Watterson, The Calvin and Hobbes Tenth Anniversary Book
61. "Please submit your ideas to me today so I can submit them as my own tomorrow." —Unknown
62. "I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by." —Douglas Adams, The Salmon of Doubt
63. "Oh, you hate your job? Why didn't you say so? There's a support group for that. It's called everybody, and they meet at the bar." —Drew Carey
64. "There are times my greatest achievement is keeping my mouth shut." —Unknown
65. "People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day." —A.A. Milne, Winnie-the-Pooh
66. "I always tell new hires, 'Don't think of me as your boss. Think of me as a friend who can fire you.'" —Unknown
67. "I have not failed. I've just found 10,000 ways that won't work." —Thomas Edison
68. "I don't always tolerate stupid people. But when I do, I'm probably at work." —Unknown
69. "There's no secret about success. Did you ever know a successful man who didn't tell you about it?" —Kin Hubbard
70. "Don't mistake my efficiency as meaning I want to do your job too." —Unknown
71. "I have a theory of relatives too. Don't hire them." —Jack L. Warner
72. "I'd tell you to go to hell, but I work there, and I don't want you showing up." —Unknown
73. "I haven't even gone to bed yet, and I already can't wait to come home from work tomorrow." —Unknown
74. "When I was a boy of 14, my father was so ignorant I could hardly stand to have the old man around. But when I got to be 21, I was astonished at how much the old man had learned in seven years." —Mark Twain
75. "Insanity is hereditary; you get it from your children." —Sam Levenson
76. "Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city." —George Burns
77. "Obviously, if I was serious about having a relationship with someone long term, the last people I would introduce him to would be my family." —Chelsea Handler, Are You There, Vodka? It's Me, Chelsea
78. "The only time a woman really succeeds in changing a man is when he's a baby." —Natalie Wood
79. "Mother Nature is wonderful. She gives us 12 years to develop a love for our children before turning them into teenagers." —Eugene Bertin
80. "Having children makes you no more a parent than having a piano makes you a pianist." —Michael Levine
81. "Everybody knows how to raise children, except the people who have them." —P.J. O'Rourke
82. "In general, my children refuse to eat anything that hasn't danced on television." —Erma Bombeck
83. "Please excuse my father. It makes him feel young and powerful to treat us like idiot children." —Aidan Quinn as Alfred Ludlow in Legends of the Fall
84. "Keep rolling your eyes. You might just find a brain back there." —Unknown
85. "If you must make a noise, make it quietly." —Oliver Hardy
86. "In a household of toddlers and pets, we discover this rule of thumb about happy families: that they are at least two-thirds incontinent." —Robert Breault
87. "If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance." —George Bernard Shaw
88. "Folks, I don't trust children. They're here to replace us." —Stephen Colbert
89. "I am not young enough to know everything." —J.M. Barrie
90. "Common sense is the most widely shared commodity in the world, for every man is convinced that he is well supplied with it." —René Descartes
91. "I'd rather be partly great than entirely useless." —Neal Shusterman, Unwind
92. "Tact is the ability to tell someone to go to hell in such a way that they look forward to the journey." —Winston Churchill
93. "A crisis is a terrible thing to waste." —Paul Romer
94. "Always remember that you're unique. Just like everyone else." —Unknown
95. "Education is what remains after one has forgotten everything he learned in school." —Unknown
96. "Silence gets us nowhere. Sarcasm gets us there quicker." —Government Issue, "World Caved In"
97. "I am so clever that sometimes I don't understand a single word of what I am saying." —Oscar Wilde, The Happy Prince and Other Stories
98. "I feel so miserable without you; it's almost like having you here." —Stephen Bishop
99. "I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury." —Groucho Marx
100. "When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her." —Sacha Guitry
101. "Sometimes I need what only you can provide: your absence." —Ashleigh Brilliant
102. "They say marriages are made in heaven. But so is thunder and lightning." —Clint Eastwood
103. "I had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it." —Groucho Marx
104. "We get married to have an ally against our family." —Jonathan Tropper
105. "During labor, the pain is so great that a woman can almost imagine what a man feels like when he has a fever." —Unknown
106. "Marriage is a wonderful institution ... but who wants to live in an institution?" —Groucho Marx
107. "A man in love is incomplete until he has married. Then he's finished." —Zsa Zsa Gabor
108. "Marry me, and I'll never look at another horse!" —Groucho Marx

My husband says I'm too competitive. I told him I already knew that.
The other day, my wife asked me to pass her lipstick, but I accidentally passed her a glue stick. She still isn’t talking to me.
My husband is mad that I have no sense of direction. So, I packed up my stuff and right.

My wife left a note on the fridge that said, “This isn’t working.” I’m not sure what she’s talking about. I opened the fridge door and it’s working fine?
I went to see my dentist and he warned me it was going to hurt. He ended up telling me he was having an affair with my wife.
My girlfriend wanted a marriage just like a fairy tale. Fair enough. I gave her a loaf of bread and left her in the forest.
A man wakes from a coma. His wife changes out of her black clothes and, irritated, remarks, “I really cannot depend on you in anything, can I!”
Wife: “I’m pregnant.” Husband: “Hi pregnant, I’m dad.” Wife: “No, you’re not.”
My marriage counselor asked if it was true that I generally wake up grumpy in the morning. I said, “Nah, most of the time I just let him sleep.”
Wife: “I want another baby.” Husband: “That’s a relief, I also really don’t like this one.”
My wife and I have reached the difficult decision that we do not want children. If anybody does, please send me your contact details and we can drop them off tomorrow.
I just came across my wife’s Tinder profile and I’m so angry about her lies. She is not “fun to be around.”
My wife says making love is even better on vacation. I wish she didn’t tell me via email.
The most corrupt CEOs are those of the pretzel companies. They’re always so twisted.
As I get older, I remember all the people I lost along the way. Maybe a career as a tour guide was not the right choice.
The proper way to use a stress ball is to throw it at the last person to upset you.
I have many jokes about unemployed people — sadly none of them work.
Feeling stressed out? Make a nice cup of hot tea and then spill it in the lap of whoever’s bugging you.
You’re not completely useless. You can always serve as a bad example.
My boss says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We’ll see about that.
My boss told me to have a good day. So, I went home.
Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just pretty much leave me alone.
Teamwork is important; it helps to put the blame on someone else.
I always tell new hires, don’t think of me as your boss, think of me as a friend who can fire you.
Patient: Oh doctor, I’m just so nervous. This is my first operation. Doctor: Don’t worry. Mine too.
To err is human, to blame it on someone else shows management potential.
I can’t believe I got fired from the calendar factory. All I did was take a day off.
I asked the corporate wellness officer, “Can you teach me yoga?” He said, “How flexible are you?” I said, “I can’t make Tuesdays.”
My parents raised me as an only child. Which really infuriated my sister.
My mom died when we couldn’t remember her blood type. As she died, she kept telling us to “be positive,” but it’s hard without her.
A kid decided to burn his house down. His dad watched with tears in his eyes. He put his arm around the mom and said, “That’s arson.”
Do you know the last thing my grandfather said to me before he kicked the bucket? “Grandson, watch how far I can kick this bucket.”
At home, they treat me like God. I’m generally ignored until someone wants something.
My senior relatives liked to tease me at weddings, saying things like, “You’ll be next!” They stopped once I started doing the same to them at funerals.
To teach kids about democracy, I let them vote on dinner. They picked tacos. Then I made pizza because they don’t live in a swing state.
Son: “Dad, did you get the results of the DNA test back?” Dad: “Call me George.”
When I die, I want to die like my grandfather who died peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in his car.
I childproofed my house. Somehow they still got in!
My grandma has the heart of a lion and a lifetime ban from the zoo.
I’ll never forget my Grandfather’s last words to me just before he died. “Are you still holding the ladder?”
I’d like to have kids one day. I don’t think I could stand them any longer than that, though.
What do you call headphones that walk out on their children? Deadbeats.
Today I made a decision to go to my childhood house. I asked the residents if I may come inside because I was feeling nostalgic, however, they refused and slammed the door on my face. My mother and father are the worst.
My grandfather said my generation relies too much on the latest technology. So I unplugged his life support.
What does my dad have in common with Nemo? They both can’t be found.
When I see the names of lovers engraved on a tree, I don’t find it cute or romantic. I find it weird how many people take knives with them on dates.
Today was the worst day of my life. My ex got hit by a school bus, and I lost my job as a bus driver.
“I was talking to my therapist and he goes, ‘You tend to pursue damaged people and try to help them.’ I was like, ‘You too.’”
My boyfriend broke up with me because he said I was too mysterious. Or did he?
Today, I asked my phone “Siri, why am I still single?” and it activated the front camera.
They say the surest way to a man’s heart is through the stomach. But I find going through the ribcage a lot easier.

You Deserve a Break

Frane Selak is without a doubt the unluckiest man to ever live as he survived numerous accidents that are just simply mind-boggling. He was very lucky to survive any one of these encounters that left others dead. It turns out he truly was a very lucky man. I wonder if he was ever able to obtain a life insurance policy?

Smile A While
Suffering from a bad case of the flu, the outraged patient bellowed, "Three weeks? The doctor can't see me for three weeks? I could well be dead by then!" Calmly the voice at the other end of the line replied, "If so, would you please have your wife call to cancel the appointment?"

A clear conscience is the sign of a bad memory.

Where there's a will, I want to be in it.

Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

"Do you know the present value of your husband's policy?" the life insurance agent asked his client.
"What do you mean?" countered the woman.
"If you should lose your husband, what would you get?" asked the agent.
The woman thought for a minute, then brightened up and said, "Probably a poodle."

A retired insurance agent, now in his mid-70's and about to receive anesthesia, is on the operating table awaiting surgery. He insisted that his son, a renowned surgeon, should perform the operation.
The old man signaled to speak to his son.
"Yes, Dad, what is it?" asked the son. "Don't be jittery son, perform your best, and never forget that if it fails, if something should happen to me, your mother will live with you and your wife the rest of her days."

War does not determine who is right - only who is left.

A life insurance agent was completing an application and got to the part on health history. He asked his client how his grandfather died. This was his client's startling answer: "I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather...Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car."

My dinner party was headed for disaster. One man, an insurance salesman, was monopolizing the conversation with a lengthy account of recent litigation involving himself. Since two other guests were lawyers, I was becoming increasingly uneasy.
"In the end," the salesman concluded, "you know who got all the money?" I cringed when he shouted, "The lawyers!"
There was embarrassing silence at the table. My heart was pounding until the wife of one lawyer said, "Oh, I do love a story with a happy ending!"

The applicant for life insurance was finding it difficult to fill out the application. The salesman asked what the trouble was, and the man said that he couldn't answer the question about the cause of death of his father.
The salesman wanted to know why. After some embarrassment, the client explained that his father had been hanged.
The salesman pondered for a moment. "Just write: 'Father was taking part in a public function when the platform gave way,'" the salesman said.

Confucius says... "Needing insurance is like needing a parachute. If it isn't there the first time, chances are you won't be needing it again."

Smile A While

Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
I am not arguing with you, I am just explaining why you are wrong.
Since light travels faster than sound, some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
They begin the evening news with 'Good Evening,' then proceed to tell you why it isn't.
I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not so sure.
In filling in an application, where it says, 'In case of emergency, notify:’ I put 'DOCTOR.'
Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.
I'm supposed to respect my elders, but it's getting harder and harder for me to find one now.
Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they look sexy.
Question: Do you know what a woman and insurance have in common?
Answer: They are both expensive, difficult to understand and what you get is not guaranteed.
Question: Do you know the difference between a man and a whole life policy?
Answer: A whole life policy eventually matures.
Question: What's the difference between an actuary and a Mafia don?
Answer: The actuary can tell you how many people will die this year. The Mafia don can tell you the names of all of them.

Opportunity
That is one of the tricks of opportunity. It has a sly habit of slipping in by the back door, and often it comes disguised in the form of misfortune, or temporary defeat. Perhaps this is why so many fail to recognize opportunity.

A lazy individual either is sick or has not found the work he or she likes best.
No one is inherently lazy. It is human nature to want to be doing things unless we are ill. A sure sign of the beginnings of a recovery from illness is the desire to get up and around, to go back to work, to do something — anything. Inactivity leads to boredom, and boredom leads to “laziness.” Conversely, activity leads to interest, and interest leads to enthusiasm and ambition. W. Clement Stone often says, “The emotions are not always subject to reason, but they are always subject to action!” Determine what you are best at and what you like to do, and develop a burning desire to be the best you can be at it. Then get into action!

1. Did you hear they arrested the devil? Yeah, they got him on possession.
2. What did one DNA say to the other DNA? “Do these genes make me look fat?”
3. My IQ test results came back. They were negative.
4. What do you get when you cross a polar bear with a seal? A polar bear.
5. Why can't you trust an atom? Because they make up literally everything.
6. Why was six afraid of seven? Because seven eight nine.
7. What do you call a hippie’s wife? Mississippi.
8. What's the difference between an outlaw and an in-law? Outlaws are wanted.
9. Scientists have recently discovered a food that greatly reduces sex drive. It's called wedding cake.
10. Before you marry a person, you should first make them use a computer with a slow Internet connection to see who they really are.
11. I never knew what happiness was until I got married—and then it was too late.
12. Some men say they don't wear their wedding band because it cuts off circulation. Well, that's the point, isn't it?
13. Advice to husbands: Try praising your wife now and then, even if it does startle her at first.
14. Did you hear about the shepherd who drove his sheep through town? He was given a ticket for making a ewe turn.
15. What happens to an illegally parked frog? It gets toad away.
16. How does the man in the moon get his hair cut? Eclipse it.
17. What do you call a blonde with half a brain? Gifted.
18. Why are so many blonde jokes one-liners? So brunettes can remember them.
19. Our child has a great deal of willpower—and even more won't power.
20. Among the things that are so simple even a child can operate them are parents.
21. Why aren't dogs good dancers? Because they have two left feet.
22. What's a dog's favorite homework assignment? A lab report.
23. Why did Beethoven get rid of his chickens? All they said was, “Bach, Bach, Bach ...”
24. Of course I wouldn't say anything about her unless I could say something good. And, oh boy, is this good ...
25. When he talks, it isn't a conversation. It's a filibuster.
26. She leaves me with the feeling that when we bury the hatchet she'll mark the exact spot.
27. You can't believe everything you hear—but you can repeat it.
28. There's a lot to be said in his favor, but it's not nearly as interesting.
29. They've been treating me like one of the family, and I've put up with it for as long as I can.
30. Why did the parents not like their son's biology teacher? He had skeletons in his closet.
31. Their first daughter was born with a silver spoon in her mouth. Now they're hoping for triplets so they can have a whole set.
32. I spent a lot of time, money and effort childproofing my house … but the kids still get in.
33. Small son sitting on Daddy's lap: "I'm still confused. Was I born in a nest or a hive?"
34. A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother.
35. My mother was so surprised when I told her I was born again. She said she didn't feel a thing!
36. What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear.
37. What did one cannibal say to the other while they were eating a clown? "Does this taste funny to you?"
38. What do you call a mobster who's buried in cement? A hardened criminal.
39. What do fish say when they hit a concrete wall? Dam!
40. What do you need in order to make a small fortune on Wall Street? A large fortune.
41. One of the oddities of Wall Street is that the dealer, not the customer, is the broker.
42. A rich man is one who isn't afraid to ask the clerk to show him something cheaper.
43. If you take $2 out of an ATM that has a $2.50 fee, do you owe the machine money?
44. Knock, knock. Who's there? Nobel. Nobel who? Nobel, so I knock knocked.
45. Knock, knock. Who's there? Alabama. Anybody with you? Nope. I'm Alabama self.
46. Knock, knock. Who's there? Ayatollah. Ayatollah who? Ayatollah you already.
47. Knock, knock. Who's there? Control freak. Now you say, "Control freak who?"
48. The reason some politicians like to stand on their record is to keep voters from examining it.
49. The insomnia patient was such a fervent vegetarian that he counted carrots jumping over a fence.
50. My father is allergic to cotton. He has pills he can take, but he can’t get them out of the bottle.
51. You'll always stay young if you live honestly, eat slowly, sleep sufficiently, work industriously, worship faithfully and lie about your age.
52. How can you tell you're getting old? When you go to an antique auction and three people bid on you.
53. the nurse who was chewed out by the doctor because she was absent without gauze?
54. the crustacean accused of promoting his own shellfish interests?
55. the cat who ate a ball of yarn? She had mittens.
56. the kid who started a business tying shoelaces on the playground? It was a knot-for-profit.
57. the claustrophobic astronaut? He just wanted a little more space.
58. the racing snail that got rid of his shell? He thought it would make him faster, but it just made him sluggish.
59. the salamander who went to Hollywood to make newt movies?
60. the New York Jets cocktail? Drink two of them and you'll forget what your Namath.
61. the cow that ate bluegrass and mooed indigo?
62. the veterinarian who prescribes birth-control pills for dogs? It's part of an anti-litter campaign.
63. If athletes get athlete's foot, what do astronauts get? Missile toe.
64. How many telemarketers does it take to change a light bulb? Only one, but he has to do it while you are eating dinner.
65. How many egomaniacs does it take to screw in a light bulb? One. The egomaniac holds the light bulb while the world revolves around him.
66. How many paranoid people does it take to change a light bulb? Who wants to know?
67. How many DIY buffs does it take to change a light bulb? One, but it takes two weeks and four trips to the hardware store.
68. If an anonymous comment goes unread, is it still irritating?
69. What is the sound of no-hands texting?
70. To see a man's true face, look to the photos he hasn't posted.
71. "Buffet" is a French word that means "get up and get it yourself."
72. Winter: the season when we try to keep the house as hot as it was in the summer, when we complained about the heat.
73. Conscience: the small voice that makes you feel smaller.
74. Statistician: a person who draws a mathematically precise line from an unwarranted assumption to a foregone conclusion.
75. Did you hear about the statistician who drowned while crossing a river? It was three feet deep on average.
76. The trouble with getting to work on time is that it makes the day so long.
77. Interviewer to job applicant: "Can you come up with any reason you want this job other than your parents want you out of the house?"
78. Give a man a fish, and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
79. Why don’t pirates take a shower before they walk the plank? They just wash up on shore.
80. How much did Santa pay for his sleigh? Nothing, it was on the house.
81. What do you call Santa’s helpers? Subordinate Clauses.
82. What's Irish and stays out all night? Patty O'Furniture.
83. What do you call a steak that's been knighted by the queen? Sir Loin.
84. Why didn't Han Solo enjoy his steak dinner? It was Chewie.
85. A new study shows that one-third of people don't floss, while the other two-thirds couldn't answer with all the local anesthetic in their mouths.
86. If you arrest a mime, do you have to tell him he has the right to remain silent?
87. What do you call a chicken who crosses the road, rolls in the mud and then crosses back again? A dirty double-crosser.
88. Why did the chicken go to the séance? To get to the other side.
89. Why did the rooster cross the road? To prove he wasn't a chicken.
90. I used to believe that all things must pass—until I got stuck behind a school bus.
91. I was addicted to the hokey pokey, but then I turned myself around.
92. A new wine has been made for cats. It won't be long before they start sending regrettable texts and waking up with headaches.
93. Why don’t cats play poker in the jungle? Too many cheetahs.
94. At which school did Sherlock Holmes get so smart? Elementary.
95. Two men walk into a bar. You'd think at least one of them would have ducked.
96. The morning after, Dave wanted some hair of the dog that bit him. He's at the hospital getting checked for rabies now.
97. What do you call a guy who’s had too much to drink? A cab.
98. Where does a winemaker get his gossip? Through the grapevine.
99. What do you call a parade of rabbits hopping backward? A receding hare line.
100. Why did the teddy bear say no to dessert? Because he was stuffed.
101. I went to buy some camo pants, but I couldn’t find any.

121 FUNNIEST QUOTES OF ALL TIME

10-QUESTION GEORGIA TRIVIA TEST

Those wonderful Church Bulletins!

The Fasting & Prayer conference includes meals.
Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled.
Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
The sermon this morning: 'Jesus Walks on the Water’.
The sermon tonight: 'Searching for Jesus.'
Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.
Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.
Miss Charlene Mason sang 'I will not pass this way again,' giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.
For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
Next Thursday there will be try-outs for the choir. They need all the help they can get.
Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.
At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be 'What Is Hell?' Come early and listen to our choir practice.
Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.
The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.
Pot-luck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow.
The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.
This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the Congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.
Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM . Please use the back door.
The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.

And this one just about sums them all up --

The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new campaign slogan last Sunday: 'I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours’.

Insurance Coverage en Español
http://www.iii.org/es/insurance-topics/all-coverage-en-espanol

Happiness is found in doing — not merely in possessing.
It’s true: money can’t buy happiness. Most of us are motivated by aspirations of the lifestyle we desire for ourselves and our families, not by the physical possessions — homes, vacations, automobiles, etc. When you recognize this fact, you will know that you must constantly “raise the bar” to encourage yourself to reach higher goals. Your goals should include the possessions that you desire, but as former Apple Computer chairman and CEO John Sculley said, “Success is a journey, not a destination. Make sure you enjoy the trip.”

Too much truth will make some people madder than too little.
Schoolchildren sometimes play a game called “Honesty.” The rules are simple: For a designated period of time, the participants must tell the truth regardless of the subject. They then ask each other leading questions such as, “Do you like my hair?” “Do you think Lindsay is cute?” Inevitably someone gets angry when he or she discovers that these friends had been shading the truth, telling “little white lies,” to spare the person’s feelings. Even when the game is over, its lessons are not soon forgotten. Being honest with others doesn’t mean being brutal. It isn’t necessary to tell people everything you don’t like about them under the guise of being frank with them “for their own good.” Sometimes it’s better if we don’t know every person’s innermost feelings about us. Respect for another’s self-esteem often means telling them too little truth instead of too much.

My girlfriend’s birthday is in a week, and she said, “Nothing would make me happier than a diamond ring!” So, I got her nothing.
My boyfriend said to me the other day, “If anything ever happens to me, I want you to meet someone new.” Apparently, getting stuck in traffic doesn’t count as “anything.”
Money dark humor jokes
When we were kids, we used to be afraid of the dark. But when we grew up, the electricity bill made us afraid of the light!
I saw a sign that said “Watch for children” and I thought, “That sounds like a fair trade.”
I have a joke about trickle down economics. But 99 percent of you will never get it.
I won $3 million on the lottery so I decided to donate a quarter of it to charity. Now I have $2,999,999.75.
Why did Mozart hate all of his chickens? When he asked them who the best composer was, they all replied, “Bach, Bach, Bach.”
A man walks into a magic forest and tries to cut down a talking tree. “You can’t cut me down,” the tree complains. “I’m a talking tree!” The man responds, “You may be a talking tree, but you will dialogue.”
Why did the man miss the funeral? He wasn’t a mourning person.
What’s the difference between jelly and jam? You can’t jelly a clown into the tiny automobile.
Why is the ocean so salty? Probably because the land doesn’t wave back.
When you’ve seen one shopping center, you’ve seen a mall.
Don’t challenge Death to a pillow fight. Unless you’re prepared for the reaper cushions.
When my uncle Frank died, he needed his ashes to be buried in his favorite beer mug. His final wish was to be Frank in Stein.
A man just assaulted me with milk, butter, and cheese. How dairy.
My boss said to me, “You’re the worst train driver ever. How many have you derailed this year?” I said, “I’m not sure; it’s hard to keep track.”
Did you hear about the guy who got his left side chopped off? He’s all right now!
Why do vampires seem sick? They’re always coffin.
Imagine if you walked into a bar and there was a long line of people waiting to hit you. That’s the punch line.
The only idea that flat-earthers fear is sphere itself.
Why don’t skeletons ever go trick or treating? Because they have no body to go with.
I visited my friend at his new house. He told me to make myself at home. So, I threw him out. I hate having visitors.
Give a man a match, and he’ll be warm for a few hours. Set a man on fire, and he will be warm for the rest of his life.
Remember, being healthy is basically dying as slowly as possible.
I was reading a great book about an immortal cat the other day. It was impossible to put down.
First rule of Vegan Club: You tell everyone about Vegan Club.
You know you’re not well-liked when you get handed the camera every time they take a group photo.
I told my psychiatrist that I’d been hearing voices. He told me that I don’t have a psychiatrist.
“Just say no to drugs!” Well, if I’m talking to my drugs, I probably already said yes.
What do you call an inexpensive circumcision? A rip-off.
I was playing chess with my friend and he said, “Let’s make this interesting.” So we stopped playing chess.
A limbo champion walks into a bar. He’s disqualified.
“Indecisive” is my favorite word. Actually, no, it isn’t.
I was at the bank going to withdraw money from my account when the clerk told me I had an outstanding balance. I told her, “Thank you, I did gymnastics as a kid.”
Want to know how you make any salad into a caesar salad? Stab it 23 times.
What’s worse than biting into an apple and discovering a worm? Biting into an apple and discovering half a worm.
When ordering food at a restaurant, I asked the waiter how they prepare their chicken. “Nothing special,” he explained. “We just tell them they’re going to die.”
Did you hear about Pillsbury Doughboy? He died of a yeast infection.
I don’t have a carbon footprint. I just drive everywhere.
What did Kermit the Frog say at his puppeteer’s funeral? Not a word.
Cremation. My final hope for a smokin’ hot body!
The doctor gave me one year to live, so I shot him with my gun. The judge gave me 15 years. Problem solved.
What rhymes with “boo” and stinks? You.
Why are cigarettes good for the environment? They kill people.
Give a man a plane ticket and he flies for the day. Push him out of the plane at 3,000 feet and he’ll fly for the rest of his life.
The cemetery is so crowded. People are just dying to get in.
Welcome back to Plastic Surgery Anonymous. Nice to see so many new faces here today!
I was shocked when I found out my toaster was not waterproof.
“I’m sorry” and “I apologize” mean the same thing. Except at a funeral.
I threw a boomerang a few years ago. I now live in constant fear.
Why don’t cannibals eat clowns? Because they taste funny.
I told myself I needed to stop drinking so much. But I’m not about to start listening to some drunk weirdo who talks to themself.
What do you call someone who won’t stop raving about how the world is going to end? A climate scientist.
Why are friends a lot like snow? If you pee on them, they disappear.
You don’t need a parachute to go skydiving. You need a parachute to go skydiving twice.
My grief counselor died. He was so good, I don’t even care.

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